


When Worlds Collide - The 100 Edition

by cheyennekelsie



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, Domestic Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, Fluff and Angst, I promise this has happy parts, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Love, Married Life, New York City, Sad and Happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-09 05:46:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17401148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheyennekelsie/pseuds/cheyennekelsie
Summary: What happens when Lexa and Clarke have a child? What happens when Clarke's world is build up from the ruins and then crashed over and over? What happens when Clarke meets one girl who changes everything for her? What happens when Lexa is there.. but not?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [When Worlds Collide](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12676191) by [cheyennekelsie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheyennekelsie/pseuds/cheyennekelsie). 



~June 6th, 2017~

I paced through the unfamiliar city square. Nothing looked right to me. Everything was different and out of place. I was just here yesterday. What happened? How did it change so quickly? The woman ran so fast that she basically passed through me and knocked me to my knees. What is wrong with people around here? Why is everyone moving so quickly? Where is everyone going? 

Cars, ambulances, fire trucks, and police vehicles zoomed around me. There’re never cars in the city square. Only people trying to converse, commute, and have fun. Why is everything so different and why are there so many emergency vehicles? This is odd. They parked in a circle around a group of people. What are these people crowding around? I turned towards the woman next to me and asked animatedly, “What’s going on?” 

She ignored me and stayed still. What is going on? Usually everyone here is so kind and warm. Did she not hear me? “Excuse me, ma’am, did you hear me?” I touched her arm and she shivered before pulling her parka tighter around herself. I tried to push my way through the crowd, so I could finally understand what’s going on. In the middle of the crowd, there was an object about 3 feet in length covered in a black sheet. I began to get an uneasy feeling and backed up. Was it a body? Did someone die? Who would’ve died and how? This town is so peaceful. Everything has always been so… beautiful. 

There is a bit of beauty in such a surplus of chaos though right? There is beauty… right? There must always be beauty. There must always be beauty because without beauty there is only pain and sadness. Everyone is moving around like ghosts right now though… Where is the beauty in this madness?

The emergency personnel pushed everyone back and forced them to move away. I wanted to know more. I asked another person what was going on and yet again, I was ignored, and they shivered. Why does every person I speak to seem cold? It’s not cold here. Not even close. I don’t feel I should be here anymore. I backed up, pushing through people again, none of them even taking notice to my presence. This place used to be so soft and welcoming. Everyone would say hello to everyone else and ask how they were doing. Why are they not doing that now?

I walked to the closest park and followed the back path that I knew lead to an area with benches. I needed space to breathe and a place to sit down. 

When I finally reached our old bench, I didn’t take time to look around me. I only felt that something wasn’t right. I sat down and after a few short seconds, I began to feel drowsy, like a substance was pulling me down and holding me against my will. I fell asleep on our bench, wondering what had happened to our old happy place.

~~

She was beautiful. Unlike anything I had ever seen before. Unlike the stars and the moon and the sky and the seas. Unlike the clouds and the birds and the grass and the leaves. I raised my hand and shouted her name. I smiled brightly and reached for her hand, “Hello, my love.” I wished for her touch. I wished for her to acknowledge me and tell me what the purpose of all of this crazy was. I held her hand and laced my fingers between hers just like she used to. She always loved when I held her tenderly, like she was my whole world and if I let go, she would just break. She began to start weeping. Why is she sad? 

I let go of her hand and wrapped my arms around her. She shivered and leaned away. I held her close and told her it would be okay. I spoke her name and kissed her cheek. She didn’t acknowledge me. She didn’t even see me there. She didn’t lean softly into my embrace like she used to always do. She didn’t smile like she used to when I said her name. She didn’t even move. Why isn’t she responding to me? Why isn’t she noticing me?

She whispered to herself, “No… No… No… No…” she progressively became louder as she continued, eventually screaming, as if she was screaming her worries away. I pulled away from her. Is she talking to me? She kept shouting on this cool bench, luckily there was no one around. What is she doing?

I reached out to calm her. I laid my hand on her arm and she stopped speaking. She sobbed even more now. She was shaking, sobbing, and muttering incoherently to herself. I think I preferred when she was speaking. I wish I knew what was wrong with her. I ran my fingers through her hair, “What’s going on dear? Is everything alright, my darling?” She did not answer, just continued her rhythm of sobs. Why isn’t she answering me?

I looked around at her surroundings, searching for answers to my questions. She’s in a cemetery, but why? She hated cemeteries. She moved her head to look up at the gravestone in front of her, “Lexa Woods” it read. That’s my name. When did I die?


	2. Chapter 2

~May 27, 2017~

It was a peaceful morning. The sun was shining brightly, and the birds were… quiet. Aysel was playing along with her toys happily and humming along to herself. The cat was watching her eerily. A quiet muse from the city goers outside creeped inside the silence of the small home. 

I looked over at my wife and just watched her dreams bounce around her peaceful face. Clarke is so expressive when she sleeps. It’s like she’s holding the world on her shoulders and she’s finally letting it all go, just to pick it back up when she awakens. She’s so beautiful even without the makeup, or the clothes, or even her gracious smile. I swear, I’m blessed everyday just by her presence. 

I walked down our small hallway in our apartment and found Aysel all intertwined in her imaginary world of dolls, play dogs, and superheroes. She was so preoccupied that she didn’t even notice me watching her for several moments. The cat, Callie, gave away my presence by meowing and demanding my immediate attention. The two year old’s head popped up immediately, “Momma! Play? I’m playing with my superheroes! They’re saving the girls from all the evil boys! Please play with me!”

I chuckled at her enthusiasm. This child definitely doesn’t get her crack-of-dawn-energy-burst from me. I kissed her head softly, “Yes, babygirl, but only until Mommy wakes up okay? After that, we’re going out for breakfast.”

I watched my words churn in her brain before she knots her eyebrows together, “But Momma, it’s sunderday, on sun-terday we make breakfast at home with Mommy.” She pressed her counteroffer, scrunching her nose when I chuckled at her pronunciation of “Saturday”. Her words weren’t exactly perfect, being as she was only two.

“Yes, darling, we do make breakfast with Mommy on Saturday, but this Saturday is special. Do you know why it’s special?” 

“Is it my bird-day?” She throws her arms up excitedly and dances around her small bedroom at the idea of today potentially being her birthday. Once she stops dancing, she looks up at me for an answer to her question.

“No, baby, it’s not your birthday. Your birthday isn’t for another few months. Guess again.”

“Is it your birthday, Momma?” She asks with her ‘intense’ toddler interrogation skills. 

“Nope.” I pop the last syllable of the word and decide to finally tell her why this Saturday is special. “Are you ready to figure out why today is special?”

“Yes Momma! Tell me! Tell me!” She presses up against my legs, yearning for the answer to the biggest and most important question of her day. 

“Today, my darling Aysel, is the day when you get to meet your Auntie Sam. Are you ready for that? Remember if you’re scared about meeting someone new, we talked about how we don’t have to go. We can stay at home and make breakfast with Mommy and eat Mickey Mouse pancakes just like we did last week.” I picked her up and bounced her around on my hip, “It’s all up to you babygirl.” 

“Momma, I’m not scared. I’m not scared at all. I’m a big girl, like you said.” She tucked her head into the nook of my neck and hid her face away from me, “Big girl…” She whispered it like a mantra to herself, in hopes that she would believe it. 

I carried her to our quaint living room and sat down on the couch with her, Callie Cat quickly joining us with intense curiosity. “Are you sure Aysel? I know meeting new people is scary for you.” 

“I’m sure Momma. I can be a big girl. I’ve been a big girl all morning and I can be a big girl all day too.” She perused in hoping of persuading me into believe how much of a big girl she is. 

“Alright baby. Are you ready to play with dolls now?” I tickled her tummy and laughed as she exploded in a whirlwind of giggles and smiles.

“Mommy! Mommy no!” She squirmed around and squealed with laughter, “Callie help me!”  
When I finally stopped, she stared at me with accusatory eyes, “Not funny Momma. I don’t like that.” 

She pushed against my arms and scrunched her nose, “Momma can we watch Moana instead of playing with the dolls?”

“Yes baby. Let me set it up.” I turned on our tv and pulled up Netflix, loading up another viewing of the movie we just watched two days ago. 

Aysel made herself comfy in my lap and I wrapped her favorite blanket around her as the kitty curled up beside us. We made it about thirty seconds into the movie before the excitement of the morning finally caught up with Aysel and she fell asleep leaning against my chest. Little did I know, this morning would be my very last nearly perfect morning.  
 


	3. Chapter 3

~June 6th, 2017~

After a heartbreakingly long amount of time, Clarke pulled herself up from the small cemetery bench and began to walk down the withered stone path. She watched her feet, refusing to look up and face her new dispiriting reality. She had lost everything that meant something to her within a matter of a week. She never found home in places. She found home in people and I had died. I died and took her home away. Why isn’t Aysel here though? Aysel is always just two baby steps behind her mother. She never left her side. Aysel was an unmistakable beacon of hope in a tunnel of shadows and fear.

I followed Clarke back down to our old little apartment in the heart of city. We chose this one because Clarke and I wanted to be in the center of everything. We wanted the true city life. However, now, this once bright and happy home that Clarke and I made all on our own, was gloomy and no longer full of life. I had hoped Aysel would be here at the door waiting for her momma with her nanny. Unfortunately, this was not the case. Aysel wasn’t here, Aysel wasn’t… anywhere. Did the nanny take her out for ice cream like she used to?

I thought back to the object lying on the ground in the street from earlier. It was about 3 feet long and completely covered in a black tarp. Could that have been my babygirl? Could that have been the little girl that just a few days ago fell asleep on my chest watching her favorite movie? Could that have been my-. My thoughts were interrupted by a doorbell ringing. I don’t recall us having a doorbell. Maybe we just never used it. The doorbell rang several times over before Clarke decided to answer it.

She looked completely exhausted. Her hair was pinned up in a bun with more fly-aways than I could count, she was wearing her old college hoodie, and a pair of leggings that were clearly not fresh from her drawer this morning. When she opened the old wooden door, a police woman was standing on the other side. She looked distraught and seemed as if she was preparing to deliver news that definitely was creating wars in her mind, “Are you Clarke Griffin?”

“That would be me.” She sighed quietly and prepared herself for whatever this officer was about to tell or ask her.

“There’s been an accident. On 34th and 5th street. Your little girl, Aysel, was involved.”  
It felt like I had died all over again. My little girl was gone. Clarke fell to her knees and sobbed, and there was nothing I could do to help my darling wife, because I was dead as well.

“Please, ma’am, please, tell me how it happened. I have to see her. I have to see my daughter. She’s only a little girl.” In between cries, Clarke begged the officer who looked as if she wished she could’ve had any other news today.  
“I’m sorry, miss. She, uh, she’s no longer with us. She’s with your wife now.”  
With that small string of words alone, I watched Clarke’s life crash and collide. Everything that she lived for was being ripped from her, and in all of this, there was absolutely no one to comfort or hold her. She was alone.  
 


	4. Chapter 4

~March 4th, 2017~

I watched Aysel run up and down the tiny tyke’s soccer field. Today, she was joining little league. She was excited to join soccer, meet new friends, and be on a team sharing the very little athletic ability that she had. Aysel had been telling me all morning about how joyful she was and how ready she felt to finally just _be_ a part of something. Raven, my sister, and her wife, Octavia, came to join us and watch Aysel at her first practice. They were more there for me, as I was anxious that Aysel would get hurt because she easily trips and stumbles, but they were there to support Aysel too. I wished I could support Aysel more. I just get so scared that she’s going to get hurt or someone will make fun of her. She’s my baby and I want the best for her. I want her to have everything I never had. I want her safe, and happy, and able to achieve every single thing that I never could. I want my babygirl to have friends, to have a mom that loves her dearly and pays her all of the attention in the world, to smile and truly mean it, to not have to worry if her family will leave and never come back. I want her to have the whole world.

Raven tapped my shoulder and yanked me out of the deep thought I had fallen into, “Lexa? You still there darling? You left us and spaced out… couldn’t even hear me talking to you. Everything okay?"

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine... I’m just tired. I was thinking about Ays, that’s all.” I looked up at Raven and pushed my thoughts away for another day and time. I don’t need her worrying about me too, “How are you Rae? With the new house, wife, baby and all...”

She pushed her eyebrows together and looked at me sternly, “ _No._ You are not doing this.” She crossed her arms and shook her head at me.

“Doing what?”

“Asking _me_ about _my_ things so that _you_ have another excuse to push all of your feelings and thoughts down and ignore them. It happened when we were kids and it happened when we were teens but it’s not happening now. _I’m not letting it happen_. You don’t get to do that anymore. We communicate remember? We’re not kids anymore.” She stares me down with accusatory eyes as I just soak in everything she’s saying. She’s right. We talked about this before. We agreed to communicate and stop pushing things under the rug but that’s so difficult not to do.

“It’s stupid, okay. Just let it go. It doesn’t matter. I’m fine.”

“I’m not going to argue with you about this because we’re here for your kid and there are kids around, but I hope you know this conversation is not over. We don’t push down feelings anymore. I’m not going to tolerate it. We’re going to talk about this like _adults.”_

"Fine.” I rolled my eyes and focused on Aysel on the field. She was already making friends with the other little girls. I looked over at the parking lot and saw my wife walking towards us. Boy is that fun to say. It’s been five years and it still amazes me every time. She was my knight in shining armor, or in her case, my queen in daring leggings. She walked over with water bottles in her hands for both of us and Clarke and decided to just perch in my lap instead of troubling herself with carrying a chair too.

“You know, she’s doing just fine right? She’s having fun and making friends. That’s all we can ask. She’s such a social butterfly that it’s not hard for her. She’s okay, love.” Clarke played with my hair in an effort to calm me down and make me feel a bit better, “We’re right here. I promise you that if there’s a problem, we’ll see it.”

I nodded and laid my head on her shoulder. I tried to focus more on the practice going on in front of us. It took me a few seconds to spot Aysel which caused a quick panic to run through me before I noticed her clustered around the ball with a few other kids who were all working together to get the ball into the net.

Clarke laughed and ran her hand along my arm, “Look at that, dear, she’s having fun, _and_ working together with the other kids. She’s perfect here. See babe? We have no reason to be worried about her.”

Aysel kicked the ball directly into the goal and I got the satisfaction of watching her entire face light up in excitement. She turned to us and screamed, “Mommy! Momma! Did you see that? I did it!” She jumped up and down and bounced over to us, “Mommy I did it!”

Clarke picked her up and pulled her into our laps, “You sure did baby. I’m so proud of you.”

"Mommy I’m making friends too! I’m making friends!”

“That’s awesome, princess. Maybe go back onto the field and play with your friend more while Momma and I watch? We still have twenty minutes left of practice.”

"Yes Mommy.” Aysel bounced down from our laps and ran back over to the field, pausing for a few seconds to get water.

I wrapped my arms around Clarke’s waist and pulled her closer to me, “Look at that baby, she’s ours. We created her. I still can’t believe it.”

"Well, believe it, my love, because we can’t send her back to anywhere. She’s our very own precious piece of heaven.”

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

~June 6th, 2017~

Clarke had been crying and in pieces for hours. There was nothing that could dissolve or take this pain away from her. I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to hug her and wipe her tears away. I wanted to protect her. However, I couldn’t. I couldn’t do _anything_. I couldn’t fix it this time. I couldn’t make everything better.

Raven came into the gloomy apartment using the small key that I gave her so many years ago. I could hear her from the back bedroom where I was currently perched with my darling now widow, “Clarke? Clarke darling? Are you here?”

“I’m i-in the back...” She choked up in between sobs. Her words were pretty incoherent. I could tell she was barely even holding it together. She tried to quickly wipe away her tears before Raven came in the room but the moment she came into the room, they started again like a waterfall. Raven’s brows came together as she gave Clarke a look of sympathy, “Oh you poor thing. I’m so sorry.”

Raven ran over and pulled Clarke into a hug, immediately, she started sobbing and leaning against her. I watched from afar and felt my heartstrings tug. Oh, I wish I could be the person holding her and comforting her. She sobbed and held onto Raven like her life depended on it. This. Is. Hell. I told Clarke that I would be with her and be there for her through everything. I told her that I would never break her heart. I told her that even if her whole life was destroyed, and she couldn’t hold on anymore, she could hold onto me. Now, I’ve broken all three of those promises.

Raven wiped her tears and ran her fingers through her hair, just like she used to do for me. She rubbed circles in the dip in her back with her thumb and pulled her hair away from her face. Clarke sobbed and screamed and pleaded for everything to just be a dream. She wished for all of this suffering and pain to just go away. She missed the life just two weeks ago when she had everything. When she had a wife, a bouncing, happy, three-year-old. When she was happy and couldn’t wish for anything more in life.

Clarke looked up and saw our picture from our first dance at our wedding. She was in a large ball-gown type dress and I was in a slim white dress. She was hugging me like I was her whole world. I softly caressed her body and held her like she was a delicate flower and I could lose her at any moment if I held on too tightly. It was the best day of my life. Next to that photo was a picture of the day Aysel was born. I was laying in the hospital bed with nothing on my chest except for Aysel and a blanket. Clarke was crouching beside us with a look of absolute pride on her face. She couldn’t believe we finally had a baby of our own after several years of trying and failed attempts. She used to always tell Aysel that it was the best day of her life.

From glancing at both of these pictures for half a second, Clarke lost her composure again. She wanted her family back. She wanted to go back three weeks and do something, anything, differently. She blamed herself.

Raven rubbed her back and started tearing up too. I mean, she just lost her sister and niece within two weeks. I couldn’t believe she was holding it together as much as she was. Maybe she was only doing it in front of Clarke. I washed as she pushed down her sadness and swallowed her tears, “Clarke, dear, you can’t stay here by yourself. I won’t let you. Let’s go to my house with Octavia and bring the cat okay? She can’t be alone either.”

With the thought of Callie, Clarke looked up to see the cat wandering up and down the small hallway, searching for Aysel, “I can’t leave this place. They need me. I can’t just leave. Aysel is going to be back with the Nanny at any moment. I have to let them in the house and feel Aysel. It’s time for her lunch and a nap.”

“No, love, she’s not. She’s not coming back home.” Tears slipped out of Raven’s eyes in streams as she tried to calmly break the news to Clarke, again, “She’s gone. She was in the accident. She won’t be coming home.”

After an hour or more of crying and more tears, Raven finally convinced Clarke to pull herself out of our bed and pack a small bag. Raven helped her during most of the task and helped her out into her car. Clarke was basically nothing with us. She couldn’t live anymore. She couldn’t take care of herself because without us, there was no reason to.

Once they arrived back at Raven’s home, Clarke laid down and cried herself to sleep on the Luthor family’s couch. She sobbed and pleaded until there was nothing left. Raven had taken the liberty to have Octavia take Amelia out for a few hours so that Clarke wouldn’t see her until she could at least hold her composure for a short period of time.

Clarke had dwindled down to nothing and longed for me and for Aysel. We were the sole pieces holding her heart together.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

~December 18, 2013~

            I sat in the tiny bathroom in our studio apartment in the heart of New York. From the window, I could see everything in NYC from Times Square to Central Park. Clarke loved the view and everything about their apartment. I smiled and laughed a little just thinking about how excited Clarke got when we first viewed this apartment. She could already see everything falling together. She pictured our dream home here.

            I glanced down at the small test strip in my hands. I was so excited that I didn’t even think about the fact that there was actual pee on my hands from this. Any other time, I would’ve been absolutely disgusted and raced to wash my hands. I still had about thirty more seconds to wait for a result according to my phone’s timer. This was the longest three minutes of my entire life. My mind has wandered to at least five different places during this time. I wish it would just hurry up. Either way, I still can’t believe this is happening. Clarke and I have waited to get to this place for two years now. I already had a feeling that I knew what it would say, I just wanted it verified. I just want to make sure it was real. I mean, Clarke and I could possibly be about to have everything we could have dreamed for.

            My phone vibrated and rung. The timer was going off. This is it. The moment of truth. I’ve only ever prayed for this moment. I pulled the test strip up closer to me and teared up with immense joy when I saw the two little pink lines, telling me everything I needed to know. I heard the door click announcing Clarke’s presence home from work. She worked a bit longer than me today, so I was able to get home and do all of this without her knowledge. I heard her walking through the tiny apartment and taking off her shoes, belt, and coat, “Lex? Babe? Are you home?”

            I placed the cover back over the test and shoved it into my back pocket. I tried hiding my grin as I walked out the bathroom to greet my glorious wife, “Hey Clarke, how was work?”

            “Well, we dealt with a hit and run, a high-speed chase, and a mystery person at the local elementary school. So, a pretty uneventful day. How was your day, love?”

            “I worked my usual day of sitting in the classroom and giving students tests and watching a few of them cry in fear of their grades dropping. Then, I came home and relaxed for an hour, and now I have a little surprise for you.” I teased and smiled at her.

            “You know I don’t enjoy surprises Lex.” She playfully scolded me and gave me an evil eye.

            “Oh, my dear, you’ll definitely enjoy this one.”

            “ _Lexa._ ” She looks at me with total distaste at my nonchalant demeanor.

            “Come on, love, just come sit down with me. You’ll like this. I promise.”

            I pull her to sitting down on the couch and sit down next to her, “Close your eyes babe.”

            She looks at me with a slight annoyance and closes her eyes anyway. I quietly take the small test out of my pocket and remove the cover before placing in her hands. I kiss her forehead lightly before allowing her to open her eyes. She opened her eyes slowly and gasped as she saw what I had placed there, “Baby is this for real?”

            “Absolutely for real. This is happening.”

            “Are you-? Are we-?” She stuttered and fumbled in all of her sentences.

            “Yes.”

            “Lexa, you have to say it. You have to say it and make it real.” She privied and leaned in, just to make sure this was absolutely, totally, and completely happening.

            “Clarke, we’re having a baby. This is real.”

            For the first time ever, I watched Clarke tear up and pull me closer to her, “I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is happening, Lex. We’ve wanted this for so long.”

            “I know, baby. This is real though. This is happening, and we are going to be parents.”

            “Parents. I like the sound of that. You’re going to be a great mom.”

            Clarke pulled me into a tight hug and vowed her life to the two of us. Whenever we were around people she would tell them about our growing baby and force them to be careful and gentle around me as if I would break. She immediately called and told her parents and my mother. After that, she called my work and told them all of the things she no longer wanted me to do, like heavy lifting and drinking massive amounts of caffeine. Clarke made sure our apartment had absolutely no slip hazards and when I started getting a bump and having trouble navigating through the small living space, she realized our apartment wasn’t big enough for the two of us and a baby. Thus, resulting in us moving within a month. Clarke brought me lunch daily and made sure I was getting my nutrients and eating my veggies, no matter how much it annoyed the life out of me. She helped me with getting on my shoes and getting out of chairs when I got too big to successfully do it on my own.

She never believed me when I said it but, she was the perfect mother. From that day on, until May 27, 2017, Clarke did everything that she possibly could to protect the both of us, and after that, until June 6th, 2017, Clarke did everything possible to keep Aysel safe from all harm. After those two days, Clarke had no one else to protect and she crumbled. She crumbled and fell until she had nothing left.


	7. Chapter 7

~June 12th, 2017~

Clarke was and had been miserable for days. She cried, slept, and repeated. She barely ate, only when Raven forced her. I’m pretty sure she hadn’t showered either. She just didn’t have the willpower or drive to want to live or keep herself looking strong anymore. She was always the strongest out of the two of us and now she felt nothing at all. It had been six days since she had seen her little girl. It had been sixteen days since she lost me. 384 hours, because yes, she was counting. A few months ago, Clarke thought about how she’d be if she lost us. She decided that she wouldn’t know how to live but didn’t want to think of it as a possibility. Now, she was just barely living. I’m not even sure if I could say that she was functioning as a human being. I don’t think she was. She never slept, the large bed was too empty for her. She didn’t eat because she was so used to eating on my routine, that she didn’t know how to not to do that. Clarke didn’t know how to live anymore.

She blamed herself. She was lost and scared. She based the last five years of her life around protecting and living for the two of us. She wondered, if she had been home more, if she had worked harder to protect us, if she had just even loved us more, would we still be here? Would she still have her family?

The precinct called three days ago. Clarke couldn’t spend more than forty seconds on the phone without sobbing so Raven took over. Raven felt like she was walking on eggshells around Clarke. She mourned too but it was hard to talk about it because Clarke just lost her wife _and_ daughter. Any moment could result in another meltdown. Any moment Raven could see her break just a little bit more. Clarke had been living in her guest room for almost a week now. Raven and Octavia made a trip back to their apartment every couple days to get more things for Clarke. That’s when Raven had her meltdowns. Just seeing and envisioning the living space that used to be filled with so much life and laughter, just a month ago, caused Raven to fall to her knees in hysterics every time. It would take her close to two hours just to grab a few things because she constantly stopped to mourn and cry. Her sister, best friend, and role model was gone, taking her niece with her. Raven had lived her whole life with her sister by her side. Everything she did, they did together. Every single vacation, heartbreak, child, and phase of life, they experienced together. She didn’t know how to move on with her life without her sister. She missed her like crazy. Just being in the living room that they used to gather in together for holidays, game nights, and dinners, made her miss her sister with such an intensity that she couldn’t handle it anymore. She just wanted her sister and niece to come back home. Raven and Octavia told their daughter that her best friend was just away on vacation. They didn’t know how to tell Amelia that Aysel and I had died. They wished everything could just be easier.

Raven stayed home with Clarke and Amelia now. She tried going to work but she couldn’t anymore. Neither of them could. Both of the girls tried to take leave and fortunately their employers understood. Raven tried hard to be the stronger one of the two, if only for Amelia and Clarke. She couldn’t breakdown in front of them. Raven wanted to be strong.

Today, everyone was laying together on the large sectional couch. Octavia and Raven had taken up to cuddling on one corner of the couch while Clarke laid with Amelia on the other side. They were quietly watching “Dirty Dancing,” one of their favorite movies. Amelia was basically playing on Raven’s iPad and napping. She loved curling up with her auntie Clarke. Whenever Raven and Octavia visited the Danvers household, Amelia always cuddled and played with Clarke. She was definitely her favorite aunt. Even though she didn’t understand why it was happening, Amelia was more than excited that Clarke had been staying with them. That meant auntie cuddles and playtime and cuddles, even on the days when she was too upset to get out of bed. Today was luckily one of the better days and Clarke had been up and playing with Amelia and she even ate willingly today. Octavia was happy to see improvement. In both of the women today, she had seen a little improvement. I think Raven was getting tired of sitting around the house and sulking honestly, she was never good at that.

There was a knock on the door, scaring Amelia from her half-sleep state. Octavia looked up confused. They weren’t expecting any visitors. Octavia carefully crawled out from under Raven and kissed her forehead softly before moving to answer the door. When she opened, she saw the soft eyes of Eliza, Raven’s foster mom, “Oh! Octavia dear, how are you holding up?”

“Good, I guess. It’s mostly Mags and Raven.” She lied, in hopes that Eliza wouldn’t see how much she was truly hurting inside.

“Oh no, darling, you don’t get to push it down. I raised two girls. I see through this...” She waved her hand up and down at Octavia’s body, currently covered in old sweats from college, “This... façade. You don’t get to hide from me too. I understand you trying to hide from Raven and Clarke during this time, but you need them just as much as they need you. Don’t forfeit that by trying to hide your suffering.” She pulled Octavia into a tight hug and with that, I watched as Octavia dropped her strong face and just cried, pulling a few tears from Eliza too.

She held her and let Octavia cry for a few more moments before pulling her away and wiping her tears away, “Now, now, I’m not here to make you guys cry again. I’m here for other reasons, so I need you, my strong daughter-in-law, to wipe these tears and help me get the other ladies. I do need you guys to be strong, if only for a little while okay?”

Octavia sniffled and wiped her eyes, “Yeah, okay, okay.”

“As much as it’s going to hurt, we have to plan the funeral for my granddaughter.”

Octavia teared up, dreading the next few days already, but nodded through it anyway, “Okay. I can help.”

“That’s what I want to hear. I’m so proud of you.”

Octavia walked Eliza to living room and presented her with the view of her daughter and now-widowed daughter-in-law. Raven looked up from the tv to see her foster mom, “Hey momma. I didn’t expect to see you here today.”

“Well, Raven darling, do you think I’m just going to let my girls mourn and not get them up off their butts on their couch? No. I love you, but it’s been a week and I’m sure without Octavia here, none of you would have even bathed.”

“Mom, I’m fine.”

“No. Have you even thought about Aysel’s funeral? I don’t think so. “

“Okay, mom. We’re finishing our movie first though.”

Eliza nodded and her and Octavia joined them on the couch again to finish the movie, all of them sobbing at the end. None of them knew whether they were sobbing over the movie, or their actual losses.


	8. Chapter 8

~May 20th, 2014~

            I ran around our small apartment like a chicken with its head cut off. Today was the day of the gender reveal and naming party and Mags and I were far from ready. We waited until 10am to get out of bed and that probably wasn’t the wisest idea. Now, I was stressed and worried that things wouldn’t be ready by 2. Clarke was in the shower currently and I was trying to clean up the kitchen. Our whole apartment was a mess and I doubted we’d get it clean. If only we had a magic fairy or maid to help… I ran my hand over my ever-growing baby bump. I was five months along and beyond excited to know the gender of our precious miracle baby. They weren’t even born yet and had already blessed us so much. I couldn’t wait to finally meet them. I continued cleaning out our fridge, not even taking notice to how much cleaner I had been spraying.

            Clarke waltzed into the kitchen and ran her hand down my back, “Baby, why don’t you take a break? You’ve been working for two solid hours. I’ll take care of the rest of this. All of this cleaner isn’t good for you or the baby either. I can smell it down the hall. Take a breather and sit down, my dear.”

            “Mags, people will be here in two hours and everything is messy. We have to clean it up and fix it.” I turned to look at her and sigh.

            “I understand that but look around. It is fine. Only our friends and family will be here. Do you really think they care about this mess? It shows that we live here and that we’re not perfect humans. No one expects us to be perfect.”

            I nodded and slowly looked around the apartment. It wasn’t as messy as I believed it was. There were only a few items on the floor and I could easily pick those up. We didn’t have to deep-clean anything really. We didn’t have to do anything except pick up the shoes and books off the living room floor and sweep our kitchen. I kept the apartment pretty clean all on my own already. With OCD, I didn’t really get a chance to let things get “messy.” Clarke walked me over to the couch and had me sit down, “Lexa, how about I finish this, and you relax okay?”

            “Can I help a little bit? I can sweep or pick up the clutter in here.”

            “Absolutely not. I want you to relax. Callie and Moose will relax with you.” Clarke whistled for our cat and dog and picked them up to put them on the couch with me, “This is only going to take me maybe ten minutes and then we can relax until people get here okay?”

            “Okay.” I slumped down, defeated. I fell asleep, taking an unplanned but much needed nap, only waking when Raven burst through the door a couple hours later.

            “Oh, Lexa! You look beautiful! You’re glowing, my dear!” She bounced towards me and enclosed me into a tight hug. I lightly smiled at her in my still-half-asleep state, “Thanks Raven.”

            Octavia came in the door behind Raven, much less bouncy, and placed a veggie tray on the kitchen table. She glanced over at me, “Are you feeling any better Lexa? Clarke told me you were still having terrible morning sickness.”

            “I’m doing okay now. It’s not as bad anymore. The doctor has me avoiding a lot of different foods though.”

            “Well that’s good.”  She smiles while making herself a drink.

           

            An hour later, most of my and Clarke’s family and friends had gathered in our backyard. We were preparing for the big reveal. We had chosen a softball filled with pink or blue powder. We already had a tee in the yard and Clarke would hit the ball to reveal. Our family was gathered in the back and Clarke and I stood by the tee. She pulled out her lucky bat and placed the ball down. I watched my star player retract her arms back and swing. The ball exploded to reveal a pink powder. Clarke dropped her bat and picked me up, spinning me around in her excitement, “It’s a girl! Baby, it’s a girl!”

            She placed me back down and covered my stomach in kisses while speaking to our little girl, “I can’t wait to meet you, peanut. You’re our little miracle and I’ll protect you with my life.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

~June 18, 2017~

            Today was the day. The day Clarke had been dreading for weeks. The day that would make everything real. After today, she wouldn’t be able to deny it anymore. Today was the day that Clarke would break once and for all. Clarke found her only black dress in the back of our closet. Tears welled up in her eyes when she thought about why she was wearing it. She didn’t want to accept it. She didn’t want to realize that this meant everything was over. She bought this dress for Aysel’s third birthday- that should have been in a few weeks. Instead, it’s a funeral dress. She took her head in her hands and sobbed. I watched as Clarke choked over her tears and sorrow and felt absolute remorse and heartbreak.  

How would she go forward from this? Her two-year-old baby would forever be two years old. She would never grow up. She would never need advice for boys, or girls, or friends, or school. She would never learn how to ride a bike or learn to swim. She would never have her first day of school. She would never need help in math and Clarke would never have to relearn math to help her. She would never have her first heartbreak and need consolation. Clarke would never take her to the station and show her how badass of a cop she was. Clarke obsessed over the ‘nevers’. Before Aysel was born, the two of us spent many nights awake fantasizing about how amazing and beautiful Aysel would be.

Raven knocked on the doorframe of our bedroom announcing her presence. She looked at Clarke with sad eyes. She still couldn’t believe this was her new reality. She walked over to my wife and pulled her into her chest in a hug, “We’ll get through this. It will suck, and we’ll suffer but we can make it through this. We’ll be okay, Clarke.”

“We have to leave in twenty in order to be on time. Maybe brush your hair love? No one expects you to look perfect, considering everything.” Raven pulled away and stepped out of the room.

After Raven left, Clarke sat down on the bed and let her tears roll for the hundredth time that day. She couldn’t stop crying and didn’t know how to live without her wife and baby. The only person who could help and make her feel better was me, and I wasn’t there.

Eliza pulled into the room and walked over to Clarke. She sat down next to her and pulled her into a hug, “I know this is hard darling. You lost both your wife and child in two tragic accidents, not even two weeks apart. However, you have to pick yourself up, love, and be strong. I don’t expect you to be able to smile and be happy or you do have to get up and celebrate the little time that you did have. You know good and well that if Lexa were here, she would tell you the same thing and probably make you get up and try to do something normal. So, I know you can do this. I need you to take just a little bit of the strength my daughter expelled into everyone and use it to make it through today."

~~

When they stepped into the dimly lit casket hall after the funeral service, Clarke’s knees almost buckled. She almost didn’t want to see it. She didn’t want to see her innocent daughter laying in a casket with her favorite bunny toy. I wanted so desperately to hold her at this moment and just make everything better.

Clarke walked up to the casket and tears welled in her eyes. Aysel looked so peaceful. Her eyes were closed, and she could almost pretend she was just asleep. However, she had one long gash across her forehead and bruises along her cheeks and neck. It was clear she was hit hard and fast. Innocence, cut short way too soon, splayed across her face. My heart broke looking down at her. Clarke ran her fingers down Aysel’s small temples, as she had down numerous times in the past to soothe her, “I’m so sorry baby. I’m sorry Mommy wasn’t there to keep you safe.” 


End file.
